i didn’t change until i knew exactly what i wanted out of life. that required me to start liking myself enough to actually care about what i wanted. and i wanted to help people be their favorite selves.
and figuring THAT out was only possible through the love given to me by people who truly cared about me, when i could not give that to myself
it’s my favorite part of humanity. being inspired by my loved ones. communities of people who truly give a fuck about each other. the feeling is electric, almost.
tonight i am inspired to track the lineages of my life’s defining moments. who was the person who said that one thing needed to set me in motion?
my best friends from freshman year. the person i met at doula training at an organization we’d both end up leaving. one of my many soul mates. the folks from that due date group in 2014. my wife. my ex girlfriend. my grandmother. my daughter. a social media post.
what all of these have in common is that they connected me back to myself and my inner wisdom, ambitions, dreams, and passions. they pointed out where i was operating out of obligation to people or institutions that did not reciprocate that obligation to ME.
and also showed me that i never, ever displayed any obligation to myself. it was rarely about what i wanted— i’d deflect to the needs of my kids, the company, the group.
it was sucking the life out of me. and i felt fine the entire time, because i was acting in service.
it’s taken me a long time to figure out what service means without allowing myself to be exploited. i think i finally got that. (the key there is boundaries.)
changes starts from the inside out and begins the moment you want it to. speed and velocity and inertia are variable. but the change initiates, in your brain, when you make the decision to do it from an inwardly motivated place.
i’m so grateful every day for the ones so patient with me, that have been so excited… for years… to see me to look in the mirror and finally see what they saw the entire time.
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