on executive function

these are all real cool things about my brain — that don’t focus on my deficits.

i have to do the thing. i know i have to do the thing. i am the only one who can do the thing. i WANT to do the thing. doing the thing is the only thing i can think about. i have a lot of anxiety about not doing the thing.

so why can’t i just do the fucking thing?!

because initiating tasks is a whole process that my brain struggles with, and i only remember all the tricks i’ve learned about it when i get to the heart-pounding “oh shit oh shit oh shit” stage.

like most other things in life, the easiest way to not deal with this is to prevent it from happening at all. for me, that is writing down the tasks i need to do so i don’t have to keep juggling and refreshing my brain to make sure i don’t forget anything.

most of my adhd anxiety comes from exactly that. if i get engrossed in a task, there is no guarantee i’m going to remember anything else while i’m doing it, even if it’s very important.

handy dandy notebook for that. three for a buck at the dollar store. love that thing.

but also, simply realizing i have a lot more control than i’m willing to claim at that time does the trick too.

for example, you remember those staples Easy Buttons? big red circle, you push it, it goes “that was easy!” yeah, i keep one of those in my brain, i call it Executive Override, and once i imagine myself smacking that thing it’s suddenly a no brainer to do the task.

it’s like my brain has a really distractible secretary through which all actions must pass through. (it kinda does tbh)

the key to learning how to move through executive dysfunction is making friends with that secretary. bring her treats. tell her she’s pretty. let her get some enrichment sometimes. go get the zoomies in the backyard or something.

this blog goes out at 10:30 am eastern time and i couldn’t make myself write until like. 10:18.

sometimes i need a little bit of pressure and then all the words fall out. i don’t want it to be like this forever, but i really appreciate what my brain can do under stress.


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