the new moon seems to connect me to that line better than any other lunar phase. maybe it’s a shadow thing. not sure, but i dig it.
sometimes when i sit down to write, like today, i have no idea what the finished piece is going to look like. but, it happens all the same. all i have to do is put down a few words and then the rest of it just kinda starts flowing out of me. i’m not sure where it comes from, but it’s almost like a phone line opens up between me and my unconscious mind and everyone in my skin gets to hear it, except for me.
and honestly that feels a little insane just to write out. but it’s like my hands take over. i can feel the internal monologue, but can’t hear it. it goes straight from brain to fingers as i begin to type and i’m just along for the ride.
i’ve found out a lot of shit about myself this way, through automatic writing. things i could have never said out loud, not just because i didn’t like them but because i didn’t consciously know it to begin with.
like, big things! things like “i need to leave this partner but i’m waiting on him to fuck up big enough so i don’t feel bad about it.” i would have never admitted that to myself in any other way.
hypnosis gets me in touch with the same place in myself. a trance. pulling back the veil between my conscious and unconscious thoughts. especially when it’s someone hypnotizing me, and not just me guiding myself.
there is something about the external nature of a skilled hypnotists voice that allows me to lift all the big rocks and logs in the garden that is my mind more easily and see what’s underneath them. when i have a deep trusting relationship with the person guiding me, we will turn every stone until we find the snake ready to strike at me. because, there always is one.
and then, we figure out what the fuck the snake means. it’s all metaphorical, you know?
the feeling of all those situations, thoughts, feelings suddenly coming together is truly incredible. it’s like lightning. not electrifying, but illuminating in that sprawling, vein-like, mycelial way. like everything relevant is naked and exposed at the same time, and then i know what i need to do.
i don’t think i have always been ready for this sort of connection with myself (or trusting enough to allow someone to guide me through this, to be frank.) i think the shame and self-rejection would have been too strong before this year.
and like, i think that’s okay. totally fine, and probably more common than not. i could not have this relationship with myself until i voluntarily chose it. if something had forced it, i would have gone into “fight” as i often do when it comes to feeling obligated to do literally anything ever.
but like, i know that this is what i’ve always wanted. i look back at some of my old tabletop role playing characters. and like, if there is one thing that can give you a LOT about someone’s internal workings, it’s the character that they play over and over in role playing games.
mine were always strong, powerful even. magical. leaders. seductive, but not overly sexy or manipulative. truthful, and pretty fucking weird in some way or another. they always lost big parts of themselves (like, arms) but triumphed ever the same.
and, yeah, that’s basically who i’ve wanted to be all along. i’m a little sad that it took me until i was 30 to figure that out.
but also it makes me a little sad to look back and realize i never played these characters out to their full potential. i could have contributed more to the games, but my capacity for creativity was so low when i had the chance to play them. characters that were so dynamic on paper came out flat in performance. depression didn’t just grey my real life, it removed all the color from any of these characters before they even really had a chance to shine.
i don’t want that to be something i say about my real life self when i’m 40.
when i was about 16, for some reason, i became convinced that i wouldn’t live to see 25. just couldn’t see any future beyond that. and i was terrified about it, then morbidly curious, then just accepting, and then i got depressed. my impending death felt even more inevitable then.
and then i turned 26, and i didn’t know what to do with myself. i didn’t even plan to be here.
now 5 years past the time i thought i’d be dead, and i finally feel more alive and connected than i ever have before.
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