when i first found out i had adhd, i was ravenous for knowledge. i wanted to know everything i could know about working with this neurotype, now that i’d finally been diagnosed. one of the most consistent things i found was “you need structure. schedule your days.”
and like i tried it. it worked for a bit, and then i’d fall off the wagon and my ego would be too bruised to climb back on. basing everything i did on my circadian rhythms did not work out for me. so for awhile, i floundered around, rhythmless. being pulled wherever the currents of my day took me.
within this past year i’ve been doing more research into my own body to find what works. looking for other natural patterns that my body falls into. one thing that STAYED consistent for me is my PMDD cycle.
did you know that based off a study of disabled women in a care home, that 92% of autistic folks with menstrual cycles deal with severe emotional dysregulation the week before their period? i found that out this year. it’s a really specific study on a specific group of women, but it both surprised me a lot to see it but also not really at all— i see this very commonly in my friend circles as well. (autistic folks tend to find each other. i love that about us.)
seeing that study, how it presented everything, helped me realize that that was happening to me, too. consistently. the week before i started bleeding, i hated everything and everyone. i couldn’t do shit. motivation was low. i took EVERYTHING personally. everything was devastating and also infuriating.
i thought i was losing my mind for a good handful of days every month. then i’d start bleeding and then everything made sense. so i started tracking my cycles.
and then i saw it.
my wild week is the week of the last quarter moon these days, just about every single time. there can be months where it skews by a day or three, but it always is right around that time.
and once i noticed that… i started living by the moon cycles. that. changed. everything.
i basically always know what phase the moon is now… by how my body feels. isn’t that wild? in every sense of the word?
around the full moon i sleep less. i’m absorbing.
last quarter, i’m feral.
new moon, i’m introspective and contemplative.
first quarter, i’m magnetic.
everything else that falls in between is some sort of mix on this spectrum. and by figuring out exactly what my body’s feeling, i can figure out where we are in the lunar cycle.
(there’s also a calendar on my phone, though, in case i need confirmation, which i absolutely still sometimes do. )
the next step for me was learning how to lean into these cycles instead of trying to fight them. stop swimming upstream. go with the flow.
it turns out life is much better when you’re not indignant all the fucking time? who knew.
my pmdd week, my wild week, my holy week, is coming up. i hold myself in high regard during this week these days because i’ve spent my whole menstruating life hating myself during it. and i am a different version of me now, so i am doing things differently.
i was speaking with a friend today and i told him that i’m still the same person i was last year. i have all the same pieces, i’m just put together differently now. and i like the way i’m put together these days.
it’s like before, i had been putting a lego set together without the instructions, and now i have them, but im still not doing them following the exact directions to be honest. i’m following them like a recipe, instead of a rulebook. i’m taking my experience and my own tastes into account. i’m building something beautiful.
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